Most of us have heard the old adage “familiarity breeds contempt.” And yet, despite this warning, it seems like we consistently fall into this trap. Whether it’s marriage, close friendships, or even professional relationships, over time we become more and more comfortable with those around us, and that comfort can quickly turn into irritation, annoyance, and even anger.
One explanation for this phenomenon is what psychologists call the “misattribution of arousal.” When we’re first getting to know someone, every interaction is tinged with excitement and anticipation. Our bodies respond by releasing certain chemicals, like adrenaline and dopamine, that make us feel energized and happy. Over time, however, these feelings fade, and we become more accustomed to the other person’s presence. Meanwhile, our bodies may continue to produce these chemicals in response to other stimuli, like stress or frustration. We start to associate those negative feelings with the person we’re with, even if they’re not the cause of them.
Another factor that contributes to the downfall of relationships is something called “habituation.” This is the process by which we become desensitized to repetitive stimuli. At first, the little quirks and idiosyncrasies that make someone unique are endearing. But as time goes on, they become predictable and familiar. We stop seeing them as charming and start seeing them as annoying. We may even start to focus on them to the exclusion of other positive traits.
So what can we do to prevent this from happening? One suggestion is to consciously try to maintain a sense of novelty and excitement in our relationships. This might mean trying new activities together, or intentionally breaking up our routines. It can also be helpful to focus on gratitude and appreciation for the other person. By actively reminding ourselves of all the positive aspects of our relationships, we can counteract the negative feelings that inevitably arise.
Ultimately, the downfall of relationships is an all too common experience. But by understanding the causes of this phenomenon and making a conscious effort to counteract them, we can work towards creating long-lasting, fulfilling connections with those around us.
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